


Baby Hotline

by SammiSafetypin



Category: Outlast (Video Games)
Genre: Child Death, Delusions, Diary/Journal, F/M, Mental Breakdown, Murphy Vyllage's Terrible Awful No Good Very Bad Day, Original Character(s), Original Character-centric, POV First Person, its told in diary entries so youre not allowed to bully me for writing in first person, uhhhhh how do i begin to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23730724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SammiSafetypin/pseuds/SammiSafetypin
Summary: "OCTOBER 3RD, 2006Dear diary,Today I told my therapist I used to write a diary when I was little. He said it could help my anxiety if I tried it again. So here I am! I mean, I don’t know if I’ll keep to this, but doctor’s orders, right? Or, oh, does that saying only apply to doctor doctors? I’m not sure! But I wrote it down already, and I wrote this in pen like a bit of a fool so that’s just how it’ll be!Anyways, last week I met someone."The diary entries of one Murphy Vyllage, over a 4-year period of time.
Relationships: Original Male Character(s)/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 5





	Baby Hotline

**Author's Note:**

> Hi , Outlast tag ! Had a random burst of inspiration and decided to write about one of my Outlast OCs . I don't know if I'll ever write the story he's supposed to be from (which is a "what other poor random people are suffering during the riots" sort of fic), but it's not really necessary to understand this one . :} Enjoy !

{ OCTOBER 3RD, 2006  
Dear diary,  
Today I told my therapist I used to write a diary when I was little. He said it could help my anxiety if I tried it again. So here I am! I mean, I don’t know if I’ll keep to this, but doctor’s orders, right? Or, oh, does that saying only apply to doctor doctors? I’m not sure! But I wrote it down already, and I wrote this in pen like a bit of a fool so that’s just how it’ll be!  
Anyways, last week I met someone. Well, OK, I meet people every day! But I mean that I was at the bookstore, because as you know I love the bookstore (Wait, you don’t know that, you’re a new diary!! Well, now you know :).), and there was a very pretty lady in the science fiction section. I remembered what Mackenzie said about building new relationships, so I tried very very hard to not freak out and asked her what she was looking for! But I guess I must’ve looked really nervous because she giggled and said “just the next book in this series I’m reading— you don’t have to look so shy, I don’t bite!”. And well, that scared me but not too much, and we talked some more! 

Her name is Cait, and she’s a few years older than me, and she likes to read every day. Which must be easy now, I think, because it’s rained so badly the last few weeks. We’ve lost power a few times, so there’s nothing to do _but_ sit and read! So I asked her to tell me about the series she was reading, and she said that she couldn’t because she was in a hurry— but she gave me her number to text her, so that means she didn’t say that because I was upsetting her, I think.

So I’ve texted Cait a little bit, but not much because I’m very nervous, and texting is difficult. Maybe e-mail would have been easier. I think I’m going to try messaging her right after I finish writing this!! Good luck, please?

{ OCTOBER 29TH, 2006  
Dear diary,  
Today I spent time hanging out with Cait! I don’t know if you would call it a date, I just visited her house, we watched TV and I got to pet her pet rats (she has 4 of them!). They’re very soft! Except one peed on my hand, and then I had to wash my hands and apologize for scaring the rat, but Cait said he does that all the time. That’s a relief!!  
We watched movies, her favorite ones are horror films, but those scare me so I convinced her we should build up to the spookier ones. Instead we watched one of those kids’ Halloween movies, but it was more PG-13, I think, and I jumped a couple of times. It was good, though, and Cait didn’t laugh when I told her I thought it was still very scary. So that made me happy! And I faced my fears again! Wow, Mackenzie is going to be so proud!!

{ NOVEMBER 15TH, 2006  
Dear diary,  
I think that me and Cait are officially dating! Which is exciting, because Mom always said I was too nervous to properly get in a relationship. I don’t think I’m _that_ bad, but my parents never had very much faith in how I’d cope in the “real world”, I suppose. I wouldn’t say I’m happy to prove them wrong but I am very proud of myself! It’s a shame we don’t keep contact anymore. I’ll have to fit the news in at Thanksgiving if they invite me, or a holiday card!

I know I write about Cait a lot, but she’s just so great, you know? She’s very funny, but she doesn’t laugh at me, and she’s a lot smarter with computers and things than I am. I was on her computer and got spooked by an ad telling me there were “Hot Singles In My Area”. Of course, I didn’t click it because I’m not interested in that, but Cait seemed to think I would’ve. Rude! :( She helped me figure out how to make it go away, anyways. 

I’ve bought the new ~~Pokaymon~~ ~~Pokiemon~~ Pokemon game that came out just recently, because I like those games quite a lot (even though I can never remember how to spell it…). I got the first ones when they came out, and I was just hooked! I guess it made me more asocial, but raising little creatures is just fun! I like any game that’s like that. Anyways, since they come in pairs, I was thinking to get the other version for Cait. Is that a good gift? I hope so, I want to be the best boyfriend I can be for her!

{ NOVEMBER 30TH, 2006  
Dear diary,  
I didn’t get invited to Thanksgiving :(. Mom said that she was too worried about me having a panic episode and ruining things. I really think I could handle it, but she seemed sure, and I don’t want to ruin their holiday. I’m a grown man, it would be really silly to have a tantrum over a holiday just because I can’t go. Cait had to travel to visit family, and I didn’t want to bother her by asking to tag along either. I ordered some food and tried to have a good one-man celebration. I still don’t feel very great, though. :( I hope Cait isn’t gone too long. We at least talk on the phone, but the connection isn’t very great.

{ DECEMBER 18TH, 2006  
Dear diary,  
The winter always feels really slow. It’s so pretty, the snow is (when we get it, anyways, it’s so warm here), but it also makes the world feel like it’s going so slowly. When I was little, I used to think that the earth really did spin slower when it snowed because it got heavier and couldn’t go as fast! If I ever had a child, I wonder if they’d also think silly things like that? Right now, my virtual pets are my kids, though they’re not talkative. I guess they don’t draw on the walls either, though! Haha! :) 

I sent a Christmas card to my parents, of me and Cait posing with her rats. They haven’t sent one back yet, but I hope they’re proud of me that I’m seeing someone! I came to her house to decorate her tree, and she came to my house to decorate mine. I’m not sure I’ll be doing Christmas with the family, so I hope maybe I can with Cait— according to her, the snow’s too heavy to drive out like she did for Thanksgiving. Which makes me sad for her, but I’m also a little excited we might get to spend Christmas together. Silver linings, except going out to get gifts in this weather is so nervewracking.

{ DECEMBER 23RD, 2006  
Dear diary,  
It turns out we’re snowed in at Cait’s place, which I guess is better than her being snowed in at mine (who would feed the rats!?). I didn’t have time to wrap the gifts for her, but I did bring them in a big bag with me in case of emergency, so we’ll still get to exchange! I always like to plan for an emergency, and it paid off this time! Yay but also not yay, huh?

The power goes in and out, so Cait insists we share blankets to stay warm. I think she just wants to cuddle, but that’s okay! We watched movies as long as the power stayed on, and kissed a lot between scenes. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I just wanted to not look at the screen during scary parts! It’s a little awkward to kiss a girl when there’s movie screams in the background, though, so it was a sort of funny situation.

{ DECEMBER 26TH, 2006  
Dear diary,  
Still snowed in, but we got to give each other our presents!! I got her the game I talked about some time ago, and cute socks with pictures of rats on them, and a huge warm sweater to stay warm in this weather with. She said she’d rather steal my sweaters, but I think she still liked it a lot! I got a stuffed animal whale, a nice blanket, and a water bottle with my name on it, except for that she had to draw the ‘y’ on herself in marker. These brands just never have anyone’s name, huh?

There was also a surprise present for me, but that is very personal even for a diary!!! So instead I’ll tell you that the weatherman on TV said the snowstorms should stop soon, which is good because I didn’t bring a change of clothes, so I keep having to borrow Cait’s nightgowns. 

{ DECEMBER 29TH, 2006  
Dear diary,  
The snow isn’t melting very well, but it’s slowed down enough that they can plow roads and whatnot. I’m back home now, but I’m still messaging Cait a lot in the meantime. I also finally got to check my mail, and I guess my parents did respond to my Christmas card, but I didn’t get to see it until now.

They seemed about as shocked as I guess I expected, but at least they sounded supportive? I don’t know if they’re happy for me as much as relieved… but that’s alright!! I mean, OK, I did cry a little bit, but I’m feeling happier lately so that’s a ‘yay’. 2006 is almost out, I have to really be confident going into the new year!

{ FEBRUARY 12TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Today is my birthday! I’m 30 years old, which is sort of a big milestone, huh? I mean, I think the older you get the less crazy birthdays feel, but hitting 30 is still real weird. Cait took me out to dinner, which was really fun and I got one of those super big burgers you get your face on the wall for finishing. I didn’t finish it at all, but it was good anyways! I had a lot of fun.

{ MARCH 29TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Warm weather is back, and thank goodness for that! Since when does Colorado of all places snow that hard? Baloney, I say! That’s right! Baloney! 

{ APRIL 15TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
My six-month anniversary with Cait! We didn’t actually do anything very special, but Mackenzie says it’s good to write down important dates like this. I think it really does help me get a better grip on getting ready for when there’s big days coming up!

{ MAY 24TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Oh my _goodness,_ diary, I saw the cutest little baby today with her parents!! She was in her stroller but she kept trying to climb out and walk on her own, it was adorable!! I think I get baby fever really easily, even though I think that’s for women. They’re just cute! Their faces are so pudgy! I think our brains are wired to think babies are the best things ever.

{ JUNE 16TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
I’m really sad today. Two of Cait’s rats died, which I guess I should’ve been ready before because rat lifespans aren’t too long, but I’m still sad! I was really attached to them, and so was Cait. She cried a lot, and I tried not to cry because I wanted to be brave for her, but I did a little bit. She says we’re giving them a Viking funeral tomorrow, which I’m not entirely sure what that is. 

{ JUNE 17TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Today I learned a Viking funeral is when you put something on a boat (a paper one in this case), push it out in the water, and set it on fire. The rats are Vikings now, but I cried, and the fire smelled bad.

{ JUNE 30TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Cait came over today with a bunch of movies. I think she was still sad about Poppy and Sesame (the rats), so we watched lots of movies together to take her mind off of it. I spent most of the time eating popcorn and covering my eyes, which is how I tend to approach movies in general.

{ JULY 19TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
I’m writing this with my right hand, so sorry if it’s messy. I was mowing the Tanks’ lawn, those are some neighbors I mow for, when I tripped over the edge of their rock garden, and I bent my fingers really awkwardly on the lawnmower handle. I had to go to the ER, and would you look at that, my ring and middle fingers are broken. They just sort of taped them to each other and sent me on my way, which I guess there’s not much more to be done for broken fingers. It hurts super bad, though! I haven’t broken a bone since I was … I think 10? I think I cried the same amount both times.

{ JULY 28TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Writing is so difficult now! I’m determined to keep up these diary entries, though. Maybe I’ll end up ambidextrous. Wouldn’t that be cool?

The weather’s as hot as you’d expect it to be, which makes my finger cast even more sweaty and itchy than it already was. I guess I’m lucky it isn’t my whole arm! Cait says only I would figure out how to hurt my fingers on a lawnmower without shoving them in the blade.

{ AUGUST 15TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
I think my hand is starting to feel better, so that’s great! I mean, it’s still achy and stiff and I can’t move it much, but it definitely feels _better._ Which is good, because today Cait suggested she move in with me! Oh my goodness, of course I said yes right away! It’s a big decision, but living all alone has always made me nervous, it’s nice to not have to go it alone anymore! And if I’m gonna help her carry boxes and whatnot, I sure want my hands in full working order!

{ SEPTEMBER 5TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Cait is finally all moved in! Peanut and Veggie, the two rats she still has, didn’t like the move one bit, but at least they’re used to me. I don’t know if we’re moving too fast, but our one-year is in a month now, so we’re right on track, right? Goodness, I really wish I was more of an expert on these things.

My only problem is that I keep freaking out when I wake up! We started sharing the bed, I have a good spare room but she wanted to share and I wasn’t going to say no to that. But I’m not used to sleeping near another person, so I’ll wake up and see someone next to me and end up getting really scared until I remember it’s her… I guess I’ll get used to it!

{ OCTOBER 3RD, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Our one year anniversary!! I’m so happy!! I really didn’t think we’d be together this long! Don’t get me wrong, I love her more than anything, and I know she loves me, but I kept worrying I’d screw something up … well, we’ve made it at least a year strong! 

{ OCTOBER 14TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
We went to a costume party, and I feel really bad because I got overwhelmed and had a panic attack. I don’t have them as bad as I used to, but I just got so frightened that something was going to go awfully wrong with all these people I barely knew! Cait seemed frustrated, which made me even more scared, but I think she was just concerned. She got me a bottle of water and sat with me, and two of her friends who were very very drunk tried to make me laugh by playing charades, but they couldn’t remember the part of charades where you don’t talk. It was pretty funny.

{ OCTOBER 31ST, 2007  
Dear diary,  
An uneventful Halloween, all things considered! We sat on the couch and watched movies, and listened for the door for trick or treaters. I saw lots of fun costumes! A lot of sheet ghosts, cartoon characters I think I’m too much of an old man to recognize anymore, and tons of assorted monsters and princesses. One girl said she was a monster princess, and I think that’s great innovation.

{ NOVEMBER 20TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
I’m going to be going up to Wyoming with Cait, to see her family for Thanksgiving! They all gather at her parents’ house, and I’m really really worried about the amount of people, but Cait promises that it’ll be okay. I’m just happy she doesn’t think I’m too scared to handle it, even if I _am_ pretty worried. I have to meet her family sooner or later, anyways! She says they’re nice, so I hope that’s true.

{ NOVEMBER 22ND, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Happy Thanksgiving! Sorry I haven’t written the last two days, it was a long drive and then I was so tired, and at that point I just sort of forgot!  
Cait’s parents are sort of intimidating, but they’re just as funny and weird as her! You can definitely see the resemblance. Her dad kept asking if I was going to need help with buying a ring, which raises a couple of questions, but I guess the main one is wondering how fast they expect us to get married. I don’t think I’m even close to that point yet! I mean, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, but I don’t want to dive into things too fast.

Everyone was super loud and friendly, except for her grandma, who was a bit cranky— but I think that’s just because her grandma is very old, and probably didn’t appreciate when two of Cait’s cousins tried to fling beer bottles at each other’s groins. I don’t think I’d like that much either.

{ DECEMBER 6TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
It’s time to get ready for the holidays! It’s like the second you think you’ve calmed down from the nerves of prepping for last Christmas, the next one just jumps on you! If the weather doesn’t go crazy again this year, I’m supposed to go up to Cait’s parents’ house again. Fine with me, as long as her dad doesn’t start asking me when I’m going to propose to her…  
What should I get her this year, diary? I was thinking some movie she hasn’t seen yet, you know she loves movies, and some new books. She’s been complaining about how she hasn’t read as much lately, so I guess I’m going to be the boyfriend to the rescue here! I’d just bring her to the bookstore, but then we’ll both get distracted by the section with all the cute collectibles and stuffed animals. I guess there are worse things to enable each other on.

{ DECEMBER 26TH, 2007  
Dear diary,  
Okay, so it’s … VERY awkward being the weird boyfriend in the background of a family holiday party. I sorta just locked myself in the bathroom for most of Christmas Eve to avoid talking to people, which isn’t how I’m supposed to deal with panicking, but, uh… oops?

I got mostly gifts from Cait, since her family doesn’t really know what I’d like, but her dad did get me … a fishing guidebook? Um, I don’t fish, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I thanked him! I guess I’m going to have to learn to fish. That can be my new year’s resolution.

{ JANUARY 1ST, 2008  
Dear diary,  
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Cait and I counted down with the TV broadcast of them dropping the Times Square ball. Could you imagine actually being there? It’d be so awful and cold and crowded! I think I definitely prefer watching it while curled up at home. That way we can celebrate the New Year without worrying about getting back home.

{ JANUARY 20TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Cait’s been sleeping a lot lately, which makes me worried she’s getting sick or something. The weather hasn’t been as bad this winter, but that doesn’t mean there’s not some nasty stuff flying around. I asked her if she wanted me to pick up some cold medicine, but she said she’d shrug it off. I guess I trust her, but I’m worried. What if it’s something really bad?

{ FEBRUARY 4TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
It wasn’t anything bad! Oh my goodness I almost can’t write I’m so excited! Cait told me today! She just found out a few days ago that she’s pregnant! I mean, okay, we were both really freaked out when she told me because whoa, we aren’t married yet, we’ve only been together a year — but we talked about it and she says that she really wants to have this kid, and I’m so glad that’s her answer because I’ve always wanted to be a father! It might be a little difficult without us being married yet, but I’m so excited anyways! I’m going to be a father! Isn’t that amazing?

{ FEBRUARY 12TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Today is my birthday! I’m 31 now, which doesn’t feel as special as 30 did. I’m still sort of on cloud nine about the whole ‘gonna be a dad’ thing, though, so maybe this just sorta pales in comparison. Either way, we went to the same burger place we went last year— and I actually ate the whole giant challenge burger this time! I’m proud of myself! A terrible influence on my future child, maybe, but proud of myself!

{ MARCH 22ND, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Life is slow and chaotic at the same time. I think I’ve been way more nervous lately, but Mackenzie says that’s normal for anyone when they have big life changes. I honestly think Cait’s calmer than I am, and she’s the one who actually has to do the most effort here. Which is why I’m making lists of everything I need to do, so she can relax! And also so I don’t freak myself out buried under chores I want to do.

{ MAY 24TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
I’ve been doing a lot of work on our spare room to make it a nursery! Which is why my entries have been sort of sparse, it’s a lot of work! I’ve painted it, and put up cute little stickers of birds and dogs! I cleaned up the carpet, and Cait and I spent the better part of a whole day trying to put together a crib with instructions. I still don’t think it looks how it’s supposed to, but it’s put together and safe, so that works. We have some cute blankets and things as well. Next week I’m going to start working on babyproofing the house!

{ JUNE 5TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Safety locks are really hard to put in. I’ve put them on almost every drawer in the house, and now my back and hands are killing me. I laid on the couch with Cait for a while, and we just complained about being in pain for an hour. She says I should get my naps in before the baby arrives and I never sleep again, but I think I’ll sleep better if I’m prepared better. I’m no slacker!

{ AUGUST 1ST, 2008  
Dear diary,  
We’re about as ready as we’re going to be for the kid to come, but that won’t stop me from being nervous! Cait didn’t want to be told the baby’s gender, so that’s a big mystery, but that’s pretty low on my list of priorities. I’m trying to balance well between doing my lawncare job, and being home for Cait as much as possible. The other day I came home and she was actively throwing up in the sink, and that pretty much made me forget work existed for a whole week.

{ SEPTEMBER 4TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Cait is due to give birth sometime around the end of the month, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous in my entire life. When is it gonna happen? Will we be ready? Is it going to go well? Are she and the baby going to be okay? Are we going to have a boy or a girl? Will our baby be healthy? Mackenzie said I should write down the questions to get them out of my head, but I think I’m just even more nervous the more I look at them on paper. Wish me all sorts of luck. Cait’s been really cranky lately, but I can’t really blame her. I’m just trying to make sure she feels okay. It’s just a super difficult time, but it’s gonna be worth it.

{ SEPTEMBER 28TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Nothing yet. Cait keeps swearing that if she goes another 24 hours, she’s going to march into the nearest hospital and demand she gets induced. I don’t really think it’ll come to that, but I guess you never know. 

{ OCTOBER 4TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Hi, diary. I didn’t write at all on the 3rd, because early in the morning Cait woke me up shouting and shaking me and telling me we had to go to the hospital. I’m not super smart, but I knew what that meant, so I helped her into the car as fast as I could, and I think I broke a few different speed limits on the road. When they took her back, they said that I was allowed to be there if Cait was okay with it, but I was too scared I’d make her panic. I figured she needed to be able to focus on, well, everything.

So I was sitting in the waiting room biting my nails and rocking back and forth, and just being a complete nervous wreck that couldn’t sit still, until a nurse came over and told me that I was okay to come in. I kept watching the clock, but I really, really couldn’t tell you how much time passed. I think I was just in a complete daze.

When they let me in, Cait was half-asleep, and holding the baby wrapped up in one of those nice hospital blankets. She had a girl, and according to the doctors everything went as smoothly as it could’ve. Cait and the baby were both fine, just tired, as tired as you’d probably imagine. I just sat there, trying to process everything, that we have our own little baby girl now. It’s a miracle, and I think most women kinda laugh at men saying ‘the miracle of birth’, but it really does feel like one. Cait’s still in the hospital another day or two to make sure everything is clear and stable. We’re naming our baby girl Bella. I just can’t get over the fact that I’m a father now. I want to be perfect for her.

{ OCTOBER 24TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Things have been crazily hectic. Cait’s way more exhausted than I am, but it’s been a lot for the both of us just in these first couple of weeks. Bella doesn’t do a whole lot, since she’s newborn, but what she does usually do is scream because she’s hungry or needs to be changed. I’m doing what I can, and since we’re bottle-feeding her from the start we can both feed her, but I think she definitely likes her mom a lot better. Which I guess makes sense, but I hope she warms up to her dad as well soon! I was holding her last night while she was sleepy, and it was just the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. 

{ OCTOBER 31ST, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Bella is still too young to let other people near her for the most part, but we did take cute pictures of her in a cat onesie for Halloween. Cait told me it was my job to calm her down if she started screaming from the camera flash. Little does she know, I figured out last week how to turn that off! I’m becoming slightly less inept at technology!

{ NOVEMBER 15TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
I don’t think we’re doing any traveling this holiday, it’s just sort of going to be a household event for our end-of-the-year holidays. Which is fine with me, because it looks like it’s gonna be an awfully snowy December again. Thanksgiving will probably just be ordering a whole lot of food instead of either of us cooking.

{ DECEMBER 19TH, 2008  
Dear diary,  
For Christmas this year, I’m getting Cait one of those big heating pads, and a Kindle. Bella’s getting some chewy rings, because we think she might be teething already, and new pajamas. Nothing crazy, but I hope I make baby’s first Christmas a good one.

{ DECEMBER 31ST, 2008  
Dear diary,  
Sitting with Cait, watching them drop the Times Square ball— on low volume, so we don’t wake up Bella. I feel like so much changed this year, but I’m really happy about that. I used to be so scared of change, and it was a scary year with everything, but it worked out like I tried to tell myself it would. It makes me hopeful for 2009!

{ JANUARY 18TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Bella’s started teething, which has led to a lot of tears from everyone involved. Mostly Bella’s, but there’s been stress tears from me and Cait as well. It’s good to know that she’s healthy and coming along well, but goodness, they should measure sounds in relation to the volume of a baby wailing. A plane taking off is nothing compared to this!

Okay, well, I’ve never been on a plane.

But I’m pretty sure!

{ FEBRUARY 12TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Happy 32nd birthday to me! Not a very eventful one, but we got a big cake, and the baker that Cait went to made a mistake, so it says I’m 33 instead of 32. We had a good laugh over that one, even though it wasn’t even all that funny. Hey, it’s the little things! I mean, my favorite word is ‘phooey’! Because it’s a funny word!

{ MARCH 18TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
I think that Bella’s babbling is slowly starting to get a little more coherent! I mean, it’s not words yet, she’s only 4 months old, but it sounds like she’s on the journey, you know? It’s exciting!! I keep reading to her so that she learns lots of words for the future! Cait thinks it’s silly because she won’t understand them yet, but I also found her reading one of her science fiction books to Bella last night too, so I think she secretly agrees with the method!

{ APRIL 20TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
I can’t sleep very well lately, I’m thinking of mentioning it next time I get a physical. It’s not because of Bella— she could sleep like a rock, and I still just can’t get myself to fall asleep. Cait says it’s probably stress. I’m already on a lot of anxiety medication, so I don’t want to add to it, but I might need sleeping pills too. I’m really happy lately, don’t get me wrong, but all the new responsibilities have also gotten my mind all over the place.

{ MAY 3RD, 2009  
Dear diary,  
The sleep issues haven’t gotten better, so I’m on a new prescription now. Which I guess is fine? I schedule most stuff now anyways, so I guess as long as I write it down it’s all okay.  
Bella’s been super active lately, which is so, so exciting! She’s crawling all around, which makes me happy we babyproofed everything when we did. She’s a natural little explorer, and I don’t need her getting into the cleaning cabinet or whatever else. The other day she pointed to a book and made sounds until I read it to her, so I know she’s learning things too! 

{ MAY 18TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Bella said her first words today! You wanna know what they were? They weren’t ‘Mama’, or ‘Dada’, or even ‘Kitty’— nope! She said ‘Ducky’! There’s this cute rubber ducky she always wants to play with, even though it’s supposed to be a bath toy, and she’s just crazy about it. We took a picture of her with it as celebration! Cait and I are getting way more into the whole scrapbooking idea than we expected to.

{ JUNE 12TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Cait got a call the other day that her grandma is unwell. She isn’t really giving me a lot of the details, but it sounds like a lung infection or something. She’s definitely in the hospital. It’s been stressing Cait out badly— her mom insists she stay down here in Colorado to take care of Bella, but I can tell she’s torn between that and between driving straight up to Wyoming to see her grandma. I definitely wouldn’t blame her, it’s a scary situation! I’m not so close to most of my family, but Cait definitely is. And I really want Cait’s grandma to get to see that she’s a great-grandmother before it’s her time.

{ JULY 9TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Cait doesn’t want to talk about it very much, because she thinks it’ll make me worry, but it sounds like her grandma is getting worse. Really, her not talking to me about it scares me more, but I’m doing my best to keep it together. I have to be a good boyfriend to Cait, and a good father to Bella. This isn’t the time for my nerves to get the better of me.

{ JULY 23RD, 2009  
Dear diary,  
I’m a little worried Cait is drinking. I mean, she’s always been a social drinker, but when I take out the recycling I find more bottles than are normal. I don’t know how to approach it. I’m just gonna try to focus.

{ AUGUST 7TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Bella is still only on single words, but she’s picked up a few more. Her first birthday is coming up soon, and I am really excited, but I’m not sleeping well even with my medicine. I keep waking up stressed and panicking, and sometimes I notice that Cait isn’t in the bed with me. I guess she must just be soothing Bella or getting a glass of water or something. I end up just talking to the rats for a bit. They’re very old.

{ AUGUST 10TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
The rats passed away. We didn’t do a Viking funeral this time, we just buried them. Cait said she just wanted to go back inside and forget about it. She doesn’t sound as energetic as she used to be, and it scares me sometimes. But I know that she has so much going on right now, too. I’m just trying to be there.

{ SEPTEMBER 12TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Cait and I got in a fight today. I don’t want to talk about it.

{ SEPTEMBER 20TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Bella’s birthday is soon. I want to have a little party, Cait doesn’t. She says she doesn’t have the energy, and Bella won’t even remember it so there isn’t a point. I’m more worried about the first part than anything. I know Cait’s definitely drinking more. I try to sneak some of her bottles out of the house and somewhere else where she can’t get to them, but she figured that out quickly and got upset with me. She said that she’s just coping like I do by taking my medicine.

She said sorry later, and so did I. We don’t want to fight with each other. We’re just scared. Her grandmother is in the ICU now. It sounds like a lost cause. I don’t think anyone wants to say that.

{ OCTOBER 3RD, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Bella’s first birthday. I made a cake (no sugar) but I burned it, because I’m a terrible father. And then I didn’t tell Cait that I burned it, because I’m a worse husband, and when she found out she had to go buy one from the store. It’s an important day, it’s Bella’s birthday and mine and Cait’s anniversary, and I just screwed it up! I feel like a complete idiot, and worse words that I don’t know what order to put them in.

{ OCTOBER 31ST, 2009  
Dear diary,  
We dressed Bella up, but didn’t take her trick or treating. I sat on the porch with her and handed out candy. I don’t know what Cait did, she was inside.

{ NOVEMBER 4TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
Today I woke up and Cait wasn’t in the bed with me. Which I’m used to happening now when I wake up at 3 AM, but it was 7 AM and almost sunrise. I found her sitting on the couch, putting things into boxes. I asked her what she was doing. She said she had to leave.

She says she can’t do this, she’s too stressed and she doesn’t think she can be a good wife and a good mom right now. She says she has to go away for a bit to stay with her family, see her grandmother, work things out. That this isn’t the end, she’ll be back.

I kept trying to tell her not to, but she wouldn’t listen, and so I begged her to not go until tomorrow. She said that was OK, her friend wasn’t coming to pick her up until then.  
We spent the day watching TV together, but it didn’t feel normal. I just could feel that this was the end of so much even if she said it wasn’t. And I wanted to scream and cry and hide myself from the world, but I want to make a scene and make her or Bella upset. Bella’s too young to even know what’s going on. 

{ NOVEMBER 5TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
I don’t think I ever held Cait as close to me as I did last night. I know she’s doing it so she can have some time to herself to work her stress out, but I still feel like I must have screwed something up to make this happen. She’s leaving in the evening. I don’t know what I’m going to say to Bella yet. She’ll notice, but how do you explain it?

{ NOVEMBER 6TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
I don’t know when she’s going to be back. Bella was whining for her Mama, and I just tried to rock her to sleep. I’m not a good father, but you can’t just sit a 1 year old down and give them all the nuances. I just have to be a better father, for her. She’s all I have right now.

{ DECEMBER 13TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
I got lots and lots of nice things for Bella for Christmas. She’s old enough to appreciate them now, I think. It’s mostly little toys and dolls, some pajamas and clothes. I got her cute overalls, I hope they fit. I also have to take her to her doctor’s appointment next week for a check-up. I’m tired. I can’t sleep and I keep wanting to cuddle Cait until I’m calm enough to doze back off, but I can’t! She doesn’t reply to my texts. The only thing she replied to was a picture of Bella with “Thanks”. I think I’m gonna have to ask to get my sleeping prescription strengthened.

{ DECEMBER 28TH, 2009  
Dear diary,  
I forgot to write on Christmas Day, but Bella loved ripping open her gifts, even though I’m not sure she knew what she was doing. I think she just liked tearing the paper. Either way it made me really, really happy and I needed that. If I can’t keep her happy then I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

{ JANUARY 1ST, 2010  
Dear diary,  
My new year’s resolution is to be the best father I can be, and I’m going to stick to that! Phooey to all the stress, I know I can do this!

{ FEBRUARY 2ND, 2010  
Dear diary,  
Bella is getting so much better at naming objects! I’m proud of her! We read a book together every day, she’s so smart.

{ FEBRUARY 12TH, 2010  
Dear diary,  
I’m 33 today, but I didn’t do a lot about it. I told Bella it was my birthday, and she giggled and poked me in the nose and said “birthday!”, and then I cried a little bit. Goodness, I’m a crybaby sometimes. It might have partly been that Cait texted me a ‘happy birthday’.

{ FEBRUARY 26TH, 2010  
Dear diary,  
Cait told me that her grandma passed away in early January. I wish she told me earlier but I guess that isn’t my business. I don’t know when she’ll be back, but I told her Bella is doing good and that made her happy. Maybe things will be back to normal soon! Maybe on our next anniversary I’ll propose.

{ MARCH 4TH, 2010  
Dear diary,  
I’ve been working on helping Bella learn to walk. She can kind of do it, but only if I’m holding her up. When I let go, she can go a few steps, but then she tumbles. She keeps on trying, though. She’s so determined, I’m so proud!

{ MARCH 17TH, 2010  
Dear diary,  
Mom called me today, which is new. I guess she was just curious about Bella and all that. I’m glad to have more people in my life right now, even if she didn’t sound very certain that I could raise her without Cait. I’m not certain either. But I’m trying!

{ MARCH 23RD, 2010  
Dear diary,  
I’ve been sleeping better lately, but I have weird nightmares. Maybe I should keep a dream journal alongside my diary? I don’t know. In most of the nightmares, I can walk and know I’m dreaming, but I don’t realize it’s a nightmare until it gets out of hand. At least it’s sleep.

{ APRIL 2ND, 2010  
Dear diary,  
Okay, maybe I’m sleeping too much now. I slept until noon today and woke up because Bella was crying because she was hungry. I really need to figure out how to balance this stuff. I’d say it’s funny but it kind of really isn’t. I can’t be sleeping through her needing things.

{ APRIL 10TH, 2010  
I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP PLEASE GOD GOD HELP PLEASE PLEASE

{ APRIL 10TH, 2010  
PLEASE PLEASE I CALLED THE POLICE BUT THEY AREN’T SHOWING UP FAST ENOUGH WHAT IF THEY COME BACK I NEED BANDAGES I NEED BANDAGES I NEED CAIT I WANT CAIT I WANT CAIT I WANT CAIT PLEASE

{ APRIL 10TH, 2010  
HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP HER PLEASE SHE’S BLEEDING THEY HURT HER AND THE POLICE AREN’T HERE

{ APRIL 11TH, 2010  
dear diary,  
They told me to write down everything I remember and I guess that’s what I have to do, ok. Ok. I was sleeping and I was sleeping a lot because I have to take medication because my anxiety is bad and it’s always been very bad. And I was asleep like most people are at night and I heard, a crash and then Bella was crying and it wasn’t her hungry crying she sounded scared but I wasn’t awake fast enough and when I was, she was crying

And I tried to run to her room but there were people there, and I didn’t know, who they were they broke the window, and they knew she woke me up and I don’t know what they did but it was loud and she was bleeding and I hit them and I was sscreaming and I think they left because the neighbors were going to wake up and maybe they were scared of me but I don’t know  
And they left and I called police and I don’t know I just had to make her better because I’m a good father

{ APRIL 13TH, 2010  
They won’t tell me if she’s ok and I’m scared. They keep asking questions but I told them everything I tried to make her better, please just let me see her

{ APRIL 14TH, 2010  
They told me she’s dead but she can’t be. Children don’t die babies don’t die they’re too young to die. I protected her I hit them and yelled and I held her and I gave her bandages, she isn’t allowed to be dead, it isn’t how it works

{ APRIL 18TH, 2010  
I don’t know when I’m allowed to go back home because it’s a crime scene and I’m a witness. I don’t like it I don’t even remember what I did today. They just ask me questions. No I don’t remember what the robbers looked like stop asking I just know they hurt my baby 

{ APRIL 26TH, 2010  
I think they found one of them but only because they broke into another house. I couldn’t help because I couldn’t remember anything because I’m not good at this 

{ MAY 13TH, 2010  
I’m supposed to testify and I don’t want to. I want them to give my baby back, I need to protect her

{ MAY 20TH, 2010  
I forgot how to sleep without it being for the whole day or not at all. Cait knows and she’s angry. She’s so angry and I don’t know if she blames me. I tried so hard to save her, please listen to me

{ MAY 28TH, 2010  
I’m back home it’s okay! It’s going to be okay! It! Will be okay because I said it will!

{ JUNE 4TH, 2010  
Diary,  
I found the whale stuffed animal that Cait got me. I gave it a blanket and I fed it formula and I made it nice and comfy and rocked it to sleep

{ JUNE 10TH, 2010  
Diary,  
Whaley is a very quiet baby and that makes me nervous, I want her to say her first words soon. She’s a very messy eater I have to wash her up all the time 

{ JUNE 14TH, 2010  
Dear diary,  
Of course I know Whaley isn’t a real baby but I decided she is! And I can protect her and care for her like a real one! She’s younger than Bella and I read to her so she can say her first words soon. I hope they’re “ducky” again 

{ JUNE 17TH, 2010  
Diary,  
Her first word was “Dada”! I’m so happy, I’m so happy, Cait called me today and wasn’t happy and then I was really, really sad and cried a lot, but at least there’s Whaley!

{ JUNE 23RD, 2010  
Cait took Whaley away, why doesn’t she understand, it’s my baby I have to protect it, why doesn’t she care? I’m just trying to feel better, please, she says it won’t work like this but it has to!

{ JUNE 29TH, 2010  
I haven’t seen Mackenzie, but I haven’t left the house very much at all so that would be why. I don’t know what she’d say. I don’t want to know. I’m just trying to do the right thing. I think I’m sick but I’m a sick man trying to be a good dad anyways. I can’t take sick time off being a father 

{ JULY 8TH, 2010  
Bella and Whaley are gone but today I adopted Angel! She’s very square and you have to open up her top to pour her formula onto her noodles, but she always eats it all!! I’m very very proud! I’m scared I’m overfeeding her though because she spills it back up sometimes

{ JULY 16TH, 2010  
I left the house to buy formula today!! Very proud of myself!!:) 

{ JULY 24TH, 2010  
I threw up today, but there wasn’t anything in it, so I think I forgot to eat. I don’t know what I ate to fix that. I think I have bills to pay. I don’t know, I just need to cradle the baby to sleep and read to her, I want to get her more blankets tomorrow because I threw up on one of them and felt bad 

{ AUGUST 1ST, 2010  
Mom keeps calling and saying she’s worried. I just want to stay in my room and take care of Angel. I also adopted Bunny after I found her under the bed. She’s very, very fragile, I think she has a disability. It’s sad. But I love her! I love her a lot, but Cait got angry when she visited today and said that I needed help. I know I don’t sleep anymore, I’m always shaky, I ate so much yesterday and nothing today, but I’m just moving past it! Like a very good father! Phooey to the stress! Phooey!

{ AUGUST 11TH, 2010  
Diary,  
They want to take my babies away and I’m scared. They want to shut off our water even though they know I have kids to take care of. Mom and Dad and Mackenzie and Cait keep calling, but I’m always so busy I can’t answer. Bunny’s first word was “ducky”, just like Bella. I put things in front of the windows so no one can get in and hurt them.

{ AUGUST 19TH, 2010  
Diary,  
I’m very sick and I know that. But I’m pushing through! For my babies! My babies are how I’m making up for not saving Bella. And sometimes I know they aren’t real but most of the time I know they are, but either way I don’t think it matters, because I love them and that’s important the most 

{ AUGUST 24TH, 2010  
Everyone says I need a specialist to fix me, today I was dragged out of the house and told that I’m not eating or drinking the right amounts at all, and maybe they’re right but it’s fine! I don’t want to go anywhere special because then I won’t be able to see my kids 

{ AUGUST 29TH, 2010  
Diary,  
I don’t understand all the big words people use, but they said I can be back with my kids as soon as possible once I’m better. It’s like Cait’s break but it’ll be shorter. I don’t want to leave them but they say that I have to.

{ OCTOBER 3RD, 2010  
I think they’re taking away my diary tomorrow because that’s when they’re going to figure out all of where I have to go. I guess I’m a danger to myself, which might be true because the other night I got upset about Bunny getting hurt and bit my arms, but other than that I think I’m ok. I just wanna get better fast. I have to for my kids. I have to protect them like a good father does!

⁂  
⁂  
⁂

**MURKOFF PSYCHIATRIC SYSTEMS  
PROJECT WALRIDER  
Mount Massive CO  
Case Number: 119  
Patient: MURPHY VYLLAGE  
Consultation Dated: 2012.7.29  
Initial Date of Patient Consult: 2010.10.03  
Patient Age: 35  
Gender: Male  
Observing Physician: Dr. Carl Houston**

**THERAPY STATUS:  
Considerable Morphogenic Engine activity, but not enough to encourage a working model. Lucid state seems to frequently involve imagery of infantile animals, especially rodents, but become erratically difficult for the patient to maintain control of. Visible potential, but should not be brought to higher hormone treatments unless this can be stabilized. **

**DIAGNOSTICS:  
High REM activity, patient seems to require medical intervention to sleep, and at such intervention sleeps for extensively long periods of time. Bronchial accumulation becoming progressively higher, and more worryingly, flesh in patient’s lips and cheeks seems to be becoming thinner and weaker in reaction to radiation and heavy perfluorocarbon exposure. Tearing may mute the patient entirely, forcing alternate means of communication.**

**INTERVIEW NOTES:  
Murphy is an anxious, erratic patient, and while typically nonviolent, Morphogenic Engine treatments have caused screaming episodes in which he lashes out, and has to be restrained or sedated. Sedation usually results in Murphy sleeping for upwards of 12 hours, making it undesirable when trying to perform an interview.**

**Murphy repeatedly asks about one Cait Hevin, who seems to be his romantic partner. Of course, there has been no contact with Miss Hevin, but the mitigation department has reported that she may become problematic in the future. Moreso, Murphy has asked multiple times in one interview to see his “children”, a box of angel hair pasta and a lump of dust and animal hair. His one biological child, Bella Hevin, died in 2010, and Murphy is incredibly inconsistent as to if he accepts this as fact or not.**

**He makes attempts to adopt almost anything he sees, from inanimate objects to other grown adults, as his children, and try to care for them despite an obvious lack of the supplies or mental well-being to do so. Attending orderlies should remove all objects he attempts to form a bond with, and inform him they are dead or inanimate. We believe that by getting him to accept this, he will advance in his M.E. treatments, as well as cause us much less headache.**

**MURKOFF PSYCHIATRIC SYSTEMS PROJECT WALRIDER  
Mount Massive CO**

**Author's Note:**

> peach time but it says "oc time"


End file.
